Heavy Heart

This was something that I had thought of. This was something that had crossed my mind. Even with those two things considered, I still was not as prepared for hearing it confirmed.

On Sunday when I got back home from Austin Bleu had a seizure. I had grown up with a dog who had epilepsy so it became "normal" for me to see our dog, Madison go into her episodes and slowly come back out. Bleu's was different. He and Hannah were both laying down in his bed and then his head was to the side almost like he was looking at something over his shoulder. Then his head just twitched back and forth quickly for about a minute. I got down on the floor with him and I told Holland that I thought he was having a seizure. Holland thought he was just dreaming in his sleep but it was clear after a few moments that it wasn't dream walking. Bleu was awake.

My initial heart just sank.  I thought of what Bleu's optometrist had told me when he first went blind. I asked Dr. Bonney if he thought that maybe Bleu had possibly gone blind from a brain tumor hitting his optic nerves and he said specifically " No, if he had a brain tumor that caused him to go blind he would be having seizures".
I quickly called our vet and they suggested a blood test to see how Bleu's liver enzymes were doing. If his blood test came back similar to about 2 months ago then we know it isn't that and it could be something more. Today while my kids were in the library I called to get the results and had one of the hardest conversations I have ever had with our vet.  He told me Bleu's blood came back the same.   He confirmed my fear for Bleu and that something more neurological is going on and that it is most likely a brain tumor.

We took this Family Photo for our beer Label that we used at our Wedding. 

We could have a head scan done but those are a couple thousand dollars and in the end we wouldn't want to put Bleu through surgery and chemotherapy that extensive.   Holland and I have made the decision together to let Bleu live out the rest of his time here with us as comfortably as possible. Dr. Nichols thinks we have a few months but who knows for sure.  He said his seizures would eventually get worse, and more frequent and possibly just slide into a huge one that could possibly kill him. Our goal is to not let it get to that point of suffering and we will do our best to make sure that through this whole process that we are doing what is best for Bleu.

Holand and Bleu at the lake 

This photo was taken just a week after we got him. 

My heart hurts for Bleu and for ourselves. We have enjoyed him for the past 8 and a half years and I am not ready to say goodbye. I always said my goal was for Bleu to make it to 13 even though Holland always said their lifespan was 9-12 years.

When I called to tell my mom the results I just started crying. I said "Bleu probably isn't going to experience another Summer again" and "How am I supposed to know for sure when it's time to let him go". She cried with me and just told me how sorry she was and she wished there was something she could do or say.  She told me that we gave Bleu an amazing life and he was so lucky to have us as his parents.   Our vet gave me the best advice after I had asked him that same question and he told me that no one knows Bleu better than we do and we will know when it is time.

Bleu at the Lakehouse with Madison and Hannah

This has been an emotionally exhausting day. Part of me feels at peace knowing what is to come. Part of me still wants to get a head scan to see if it is a brain tumor that has taken Bleu's sight and is causing the seizures.  I know I will probably not know all of the answers to my questions and that I need to not focus on the sadness but on the joy that Bleu has brought us.

I started to make a Bucket List for Bleu and I want to get as many things done on it as possible. If you know Bleu you will understand these that I have come up with so far. Let me know if you think of any to add. 

1. Eat a package of 10 tortillas in one sitting. 

2. Go to an open field and run as fast as he can without having to worry about hitting anything. 

3. Take a walk and listen to the neighborhood dogs bark. 

4. Swim in circles at the lake one last time. 

5. Eat a Kolache- the fruit kind like he likes. 

6. Celebrate his birthday on a Valentine theme since that was the day he was born on. 

7. Snuggle with his sister Hannah on his bed. 

8. Sleep on the bed with mom and dad. 

Please send positive thoughts our way for our sweet Baby Bleu.


Love, Amanda