Heavy Heart

This was something that I had thought of. This was something that had crossed my mind. Even with those two things considered, I still was not as prepared for hearing it confirmed.

On Sunday when I got back home from Austin Bleu had a seizure. I had grown up with a dog who had epilepsy so it became "normal" for me to see our dog, Madison go into her episodes and slowly come back out. Bleu's was different. He and Hannah were both laying down in his bed and then his head was to the side almost like he was looking at something over his shoulder. Then his head just twitched back and forth quickly for about a minute. I got down on the floor with him and I told Holland that I thought he was having a seizure. Holland thought he was just dreaming in his sleep but it was clear after a few moments that it wasn't dream walking. Bleu was awake.

My initial heart just sank.  I thought of what Bleu's optometrist had told me when he first went blind. I asked Dr. Bonney if he thought that maybe Bleu had possibly gone blind from a brain tumor hitting his optic nerves and he said specifically " No, if he had a brain tumor that caused him to go blind he would be having seizures".
I quickly called our vet and they suggested a blood test to see how Bleu's liver enzymes were doing. If his blood test came back similar to about 2 months ago then we know it isn't that and it could be something more. Today while my kids were in the library I called to get the results and had one of the hardest conversations I have ever had with our vet.  He told me Bleu's blood came back the same.   He confirmed my fear for Bleu and that something more neurological is going on and that it is most likely a brain tumor.

We took this Family Photo for our beer Label that we used at our Wedding. 

We could have a head scan done but those are a couple thousand dollars and in the end we wouldn't want to put Bleu through surgery and chemotherapy that extensive.   Holland and I have made the decision together to let Bleu live out the rest of his time here with us as comfortably as possible. Dr. Nichols thinks we have a few months but who knows for sure.  He said his seizures would eventually get worse, and more frequent and possibly just slide into a huge one that could possibly kill him. Our goal is to not let it get to that point of suffering and we will do our best to make sure that through this whole process that we are doing what is best for Bleu.

Holand and Bleu at the lake 

This photo was taken just a week after we got him. 

My heart hurts for Bleu and for ourselves. We have enjoyed him for the past 8 and a half years and I am not ready to say goodbye. I always said my goal was for Bleu to make it to 13 even though Holland always said their lifespan was 9-12 years.

When I called to tell my mom the results I just started crying. I said "Bleu probably isn't going to experience another Summer again" and "How am I supposed to know for sure when it's time to let him go". She cried with me and just told me how sorry she was and she wished there was something she could do or say.  She told me that we gave Bleu an amazing life and he was so lucky to have us as his parents.   Our vet gave me the best advice after I had asked him that same question and he told me that no one knows Bleu better than we do and we will know when it is time.

Bleu at the Lakehouse with Madison and Hannah

This has been an emotionally exhausting day. Part of me feels at peace knowing what is to come. Part of me still wants to get a head scan to see if it is a brain tumor that has taken Bleu's sight and is causing the seizures.  I know I will probably not know all of the answers to my questions and that I need to not focus on the sadness but on the joy that Bleu has brought us.

I started to make a Bucket List for Bleu and I want to get as many things done on it as possible. If you know Bleu you will understand these that I have come up with so far. Let me know if you think of any to add. 

1. Eat a package of 10 tortillas in one sitting. 

2. Go to an open field and run as fast as he can without having to worry about hitting anything. 

3. Take a walk and listen to the neighborhood dogs bark. 

4. Swim in circles at the lake one last time. 

5. Eat a Kolache- the fruit kind like he likes. 

6. Celebrate his birthday on a Valentine theme since that was the day he was born on. 

7. Snuggle with his sister Hannah on his bed. 

8. Sleep on the bed with mom and dad. 

Please send positive thoughts our way for our sweet Baby Bleu.


Love, Amanda

Bleu Update

I know some people are curious as to what is Bleu's medical update from the last blog post.  The good news is that we know what Bleu doesn't have. He got tested for all kinds of diseases including: Addison's disease, Some strange disease that can be spread through his urine, diabetes, and so on and so on. He still remains undiagnosed as to anything that has caused the vision loss and our primary vet is extremely frustrated that he couldn't not find the cause of Bleu losing his vision.

Bleu's Optometrist Dr. Bonney, who is very kind and wonderful let us know that Bleu's vision diagnosis is SARDS- which stands for Suddenly Aquired Retinal Degeneration Syndrome.  At his last appointment I asked him that I know he cannot be exact but how much does he think Bleu can see. He said probably about 25%. He thinks he can still see shades and shadows.
There are days when I think that Bleu can see shades and shadows because he will turn right before he hits something. However, there are days that Bleu runs right into a tree or a pole. It has helped him that we have kept the house in the same organization but if we leave a chair out Bleu will let us know quickly that it is out of place. 

Bleu Enjoying the sun on the back porch. 

He was on a ton of medication because his liver enzymes were a little out of whack but he has now finished those and is pretty much on his normal medication that he has taken for years for his hip dysplasia. We took him to the lake house this past weekend for the first time since the vision loss and I think he did pretty well. It is just so tough to see him struggle. He basically has lost the freedom of being a dog. He can't run because he could fall or run into something or hurt himself and he just needs our consistent guidance.  Swimming at the lake is his ultimate favorite thing to do. When he was a puppy we had to leave him on a leash ALL the time because he was so crazy and he would run away and chase deer or go to far in the lake. Within the last 4 years we finally trusted him enough to do his thing and swim and stay in the area. It was nice. We could be inside or outside and we didn't have to really worry about him. Now, it is like we have a puppy again. We have to keep him on a leash or be close by at all times.

Holland and Bleu at our Lakehouse dock

We took him off the leash after half a day of getting to know the dock again. He was able to show us that he could come up our of the lake around the dock and he could easily make his way back to the water with no help. He fell into the lake probably about 4 times total in one day. I was always in the water to help him find his way back to the ramp so when he was done swimming he could get out. Holland stayed out of the lake so he could receive Bleu. It was so nice to just see Bleu swimming and doing what he loved without having to worry about hitting a tree or a wall. It was the first time he was free again(with a little bit of guidance ;) ).

I am kinda getting a sneak peek of how Holland and I are going to be when/if we have kids.  I want to protect Bleu from every little obstacle so I follow him around and stop him before he hits something and Holland says he thinks it is beneficial for Bleu to experience things on his own and get to know it. He told me I was babying Bleu too much which I agree with but I just don't want him to get hurt! We are making compromises and Holland still allows me to baby him and I just try and turn away when Bleu is "exploring" because I will end up shouting at him to watch out or slow down.


Bleu has an eye appointment this Thursday so we shall see what Dr. Bonney says. Again, any information or suggestions y'all have are always welcome!Thanks for all of the helpful information y'all have provided so far.

Love, Amanda

Our Wedding Celebration

As the summer is coming to a close, I am reflecting on everything that has happened just in the past few months and realizing I haven't blogged about our Wedding DAY! It was for sure a whirlwind and I wanted to take the time to write about some of my favorite moments from that day.

Waking up and finally seeing June 28, 2014 on my phone was a crazy, exhilarating feeling. My friend Sarah jumped on my bed and screamed "YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED TODAY!" I yelled back " IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!!! Really it was though! The girls and I got our stuff together and Holland's dad and My Dad drove all of my bridesmaids up to the venue. Once we were there it was like BAM. Beautification time! Hair and makeup showed up, and everyone began just doing their thing. We sipped on mimosas and we had the freedom to just roam around the venue up until 3 o'clock ish once the guys showed up. I feel like the hours just flew by. Everything was really, really smooth. We had camera view from the bridal room so we could see people working in the ballroom and we could see the shuttle arrive that the guys came in. It was great to be a stalker that day. :)

 The time came to put on my dress and I was SO excited. I mean this was it. This meant the time to get married was SUPER close.  I stepped into my dress and I got a charlie horse cramp in my foot. BAHAHA. Seriously, I am glad that in the photo it looks like I am feeling like " YAY! Look I'm halfway into my dress!" But really I was feeling like " MY FOOT, MY FOOT IS IN PAIN!"  haha. It luckily went away quickly and was fine. 

My cousin PP got married in 2010, and I fell in love with the jewelry she wore for her wedding. Her jewelry was my something borrowed. 

 Raya, our flower girl is the cutest little thing. This photo just melts my heart. It was likes he was thinking "oh yeah, that's gonna be me one day in a pretty white dress"!

 My something old was a beautiful handkerchief made from Hollands Great Grandmother's white dress. Hollands aunt Diane has been making these hankerchiefs for all the family weddings for a while now. Holland Grandmothers name was Alice Bringham Lawrence and Bringham was her maiden name so she and I now share the same initials which I love.

Here is a photo of the beautiful handkerchief. The photo in the middle of it is actually my Grandma Jones who passed away when I was 16 years old.  I put this small photo on my bouquet. 

 My something blue were my shoes which I plan on wearing again because they were so fun and also extremely comfortable!

To save time Holland and I both took photos separately with our bridesmaids and groomsmen. Holland was informed when to not look out the window where he was hanging out to avoid seeing me.  I never worried of him trying to sneak a peak at all. He told me a couple months before the wedding that that was his biggest fear- seeing me in my gown before I was walking down the aisle.  He wanted that moment and so did I! 

My dad's first time seeing me in my gown was on the wedding day. I have no idea why but I just BURST into tears when he came in the room to see me for the first time.  It just brought back so many floods of memories from my childhood, being a crazy teenager and so on.  My dad doesn't say much, but he never has to- I know him more than he knows :)

My mom did not get to be surprised like my dad because she had been with me EVERY single step of the way with the wedding planning. THANK GOD I have an amazing mother who helped in every single which way to help make our wedding day beautiful. She went to every meeting and every fitting.  Although things got stressful at times during the engagement, I knew in the end it was all because she wanted the day to be perfect.

6 o' clock came SO quickly. Our coordinator came in to see if I was ready then quickly came back to tell me that Holland wasn't. She said he was in the restroom and he wouldn't come out and I thought that maybe he had to use the RR before the ceremony. I later found out that he couldn't get through his vows without crying, so he kept reciting them to his brother and he wouldn't come out until he had gotten through them without tearing up. So I apologize to those who were wondering why our ceremony got started a little late and you were outside in the heat!

Once my bridesmaids started to walk out to the piano version of "Love Somebody" I started to kind of freak out. My blood was really pumping and my heart was somewhere in the clouds. It was such an out of body experience to know that everything we had planned and dreamed of even down to each song choice was about to play out right in front of me.  My dad just kept laughing at me because I was breathing in and out like I had a brown paper bag on my mouth.  I started to get teary and I just talked to my dad and I told him that this was one of the biggest anticipations of my life, marrying Holland. He knew that already though. I thanked him for showing me what it is like to be treated right and to be respected and loved by a man. 

At one of my best friends weddings, right before she walked down the aisle, she told me " Oh my gosh, Amanda. I cannot describe this feeling I am having. She then said " I can't wait for you to have this feeling too". Well Allison Baggerly got married in 2010 and now four years later I finally got to discover the feeling she was talking about. My coordinator told me, "It's time, Amanda." and I said "Okay" without moving and then she said very calmly " Your music is already playing".  Holland and I both chose the song that I walked down the aisle to. In High School our song was "Crash Into Me", by Dave Matthews. I walked down to a cello version of it and I still get goosebumps listening to it.  Stepping out of the doors and walking out with the white concrete underneath me may be one of the best feelings I have ever experienced in my life.

It felt like a slow motion movie. My dad and I walked out and I saw Holland and then tried EXTREMELY hard not to do an ugly cry.

I looked out and remember how beautiful it looked just from the quick snapshot my eyes could take in and then I looked ahead and saw Holland finally looking up at me. I saw him say "Wow". I was so anxious to just get down to him and I feel like I may have gone too fast but whatever, I was READY TO MARRY THIS GUY!".  My dad and Holland shook hands and in case you were wondering my dad's words to Holland were "Good Luck" ahahahahaha.

I am sure most of our guests were sweating bullets, but I felt completely fine! Once I was with Holland and the ceremony began I felt calm and I didn't even focus that there were so many people watching us. Our Officiant, Lowell gave us the most beautiful and perfect ceremony we could have ever asked for. I absolutely loved the readings and I especially loved the blessing from both sets of our parents. This journey is going to be something both of our families will always experience together and I love that that was stated in front of everyone that we love and care for.

 We signed our marriage certificate and made it super official!

While our guests ate appetizers and started getting their drink on, we took photos :)

I love the decor that we had. Thank you to Rebecca and her team at A Grand occasion for being able to read our minds with our vision for how our wedding would look.  We used mostly the same flowers for both the ceremony and the reception but we used wax flowers and more greens for the ceremony and for the reception center pieces, Holland wanted for it to have a romantic feel so we went with a bunch of different roses and left the burlap to do its work for the ceremony.

Our favors for the guests was a Wit beer that Holland brewed himself! I love Wit beer and so Holland named this one Wit Wedding. Our dear friend Adam Blair designed our labels for us to go on the bottles. 

 We also had kegs of it so people could enjoy it at the wedding too!

Our first dance was great, but that 2 minutes and 45 seconds felt like 10 minutes! We practiced our dance probably 5 minutes before we were announced and we made it through!

 We played the show game. The DJ asked us questions like "Who said I love you first" and "Who is the better drive" and we had to hold up and respond with each others shoes.

 Man, I love bouquet tosses. For a while it was like an Olympic sporting event to me. I would take out a girl to get a bouquet so I am glad my friends did not disappoint and went all out to try and get it!

 Aggie war Hymn!!!!! WHOOP!!

 I was CRACKING up and Holland's little dance to the garter toss song. It was " I Wanna Sex You Up"

 I also find it hilarious that guys are never as excited about garter tosses as girls are about bouquets.

 All in all it was a fabulous night, even though we got an extra hour so we could celebrate until Midnight, the night zoomed by.

 My sister was hilarious. I think Kurtis should win an award for capturing this photo!

We had an amazing experience with all of our vendors who helped bring the dream to life. In case you are interested here they are!

Decor and Coordinating: Rebecca Pierro with A Grand Occasion.
Photography: Kurtis Kronk Photography.
Catering:  River City in New Braunfels
Makeup: Madame Makeup
Hair: My friend Jacque did my hair and Madame Makeup did our bridesmaids.
Cake and Pies: 2Tarts in New Braunfels
DJ: Holtz Entertainment